Yesterday really got my brain going. Being that we’re on the subject of marriage, I just thought I’d share a little bit about my experience as a married person. I didn’t go the cookie cutter route of getting married, and I want people to realize that it’s alright to take your own path. More than that, I want people to recognize that marriage is a true partnership. Not some joy ride, but rather a long journey that will require WORK. Real life, hard work. The most rewarding work of my life, thus far.

Someday I will fill in all the blanks of my Adventures in Dating stories. For now let’s just start with the end of my last real relationship. By the time everything was said and done and my four year relationship had ended, I was pretty well convinced that commitment was just not for me. Couple that with recently divorced parents, and I had just about decided that I was not the marrying kind.

To tell the brutally honest truth, I didn’t really believe in love. I didn’t know how to be in relationship the right way, and I didn’t really have a good sense of what it meant to be happy. Not happy in love, not happy in my life… I really didn’t know who I was or if I was happy in any way.

AND… I went about trying to figure it out in a lot of the wrong ways. First off, I tried to get into dating my senior year in college. Rookie move. All those boys were freaking out knowing they were going back to their podunk town and they hadn’t yet locked down a Mrs. Podunk. Scary times. At the time in my life when I was finally ready to just try out dating, everyone around me was convinced I was the last single female left on Earth.

(Note: This is not a compliment to myself. These dudes were just grasping at straws.)

If they weren’t freaking out about not having a wife, they were freaking out about not having a job. So we have the unemployed and emotionally unstable. Not exactly prime life partner material.

So, I left college really without a care in the world, and definitely without a clingy boyfriend. I pulled some more rookie life moves, but I just decided to immerse myself in my good friendships. I probably had more fun being a freshly minted college grad acting like an irresponsible twelve year old then I had had in all my previous years.

I got a few good lectures from the adults in my life, and slowly I started to find a balance between “fun and irresponsible”, and “employed and somewhat financially stable.” Little by little I was figuring myself out, and my faithful Superfriend was helping guide me into life as an adult. After all, he took off into the world a year or so before I did. Not to mention he’s always kind of had it together. (Unlike this hot mess of a weirdo.)

Soon enough I was really starting to figure out who I was, what I wanted from life, and what it was going to take to get there. Some of those wants really seemed unattainable, and I had sort of indirectly decided that marriage might hinder my progress towards those goals. I wasn’t interested in my life coming to a screeching hault, and I certainly wasn’t ready to lose my identity as a person.

Then, one September day, none of that seemed to matter. For all my trying, I couldn’t seem to remember much outside of how fun it was to kiss my Superfriend. Flash forward, as most of you who have already read some of my adventures know, Superfriend and I started dating, got engaged and began the process of preparing for marriage.

It was time for one of us to make a move. And I don’t mean make a pass at the other one, I mean pack all your wordly belongings and trek across the U.S. to be where your love was. It was a difficult decision. I didn’t want to put my life dreams on hold, and I hated the idea of moving for a man. However, after careful consideration I realized it wasn’t hindering any of my future plans, and as crazy as it seems, it was the logical solution. He loved his job, and I didn’t love mine. I needed a fresh start, and he was happy in his career. This ridiculous move to the frozen tundra of North Dakota actually was the opportunity I’d been wanting. I needed to get to know my future husband, settle into where I thought we’d be living for a while, and figure out my life.

But something was different about the changes this time. The difference was in that I wasn’t alone in my goals and dreams. Suddenly, I had this supportive person backing my every choice. He wasn’t demanding that I changed my life to fit his needs. He wasn’t anything at all like I thought a fiancé/husband would be. He was there at the ready to talk/brain storm/support me in finding my purpose in life.

On top of that, he was genuine in his interest in putting in the prep time it would take to have a successful wedding and marriage. He went to the retreats, participated in our sessions with our sponsor couple, and actually engaged in candid conversations about true married life. I won’t lie, it wasn’t always easy. Getting on the same page is downright hard work. There were tears of frustration, arguments and tension in trying to combine our lives, but the work was done. What many couples find so challenging about the first year of marriage was over before we’d even said our vows. By the time we were through, I knew without a doubt that he would be a good husband to me, and that being married wouldn’t be the end of my individual existence.

In fact, in many ways, it would be the start of me becoming my true self. With his support and encouragement I was able to finally explore my career options and it lead me to realizing the career I’d chosen wasn’t for me. He was blessed to land his dream career right out of the gate. I saw him happy in his work environment, and slowly began to be confident enough in myself to realize I could have that, too.

Then, we moved again. I was applying for different positions in my company and it seemed like a new job was within my grasp. I even did a phone and live presentation as the movers were packing up the house. Twice I made it to the top round of interviews, down to two or three people, and each door was closed. Superfriend held me when I cried, each time devastated.

It was then that I started looking outside my company. Interview after interview, rejection after rejection. Things culminated in my being let go by my newest supervisor. There I was. In a brand new town, with no job and no prospects.

Now, let’s think back to my theory that a marriage would get in the way of my career and life goals. If I had gone the solo route, I’m pretty sure I’d have been the chicest homeless person ever. Real classy.

However, I didn’t take that route. As frustrating as it was to take away the cushion my income provided, I still had this “til death do us part” partner. Not only did he help me through the subsequent interviews and rejections, but he also never stopped believing in me (or feeding me). He didn’t hold me back, he saw my potential. Now, that… that my friend is what being married is all about.

It’s not about diamond rings, wedding cakes or perfect ceremonies. It’s about hitting one of your lowest points as a person, and having someone there to pick your pathetic ass up off the ground and remind you that your not actually pathetic at all.

His belief in me paid off a few months later. On a fluke, I answered an ad for a brand new position with a nonprofit. As things unfolded, I realized that I was passionate about the potential this job had, and I was passionate about the mission of the organization. It was a perfect fit, and this time, the employer agreed.

Moral of the story, my marriage helped me grow in ways that would never have been possible when I was single, but it’s not because marriage is all butterflies and unicorns. It’s because we have a working partnership of support, encouragement and love.