Flash Cards and a Fourth Grader

My dear sweet Superfriend being the kind of nice guy he is, invites our next door neighbor over to work on her flash cards. I gotta hand it to her, she must care about her grades because I’m pretty sure it’s summer break and she’s committed enough to work on flash cards. And she’s pretty darn good at them.

Anyway, I’m watching them go over the flash cards. I’m also watching Superfriend try and explain “short-cuts” to a little girl that hasn’t had a chance to learn about odd and even numbers yet. She just blinked at him. It was humorous. Never-the-less, he clearly was enjoying himself.

This is all fine and good until I realized exactly how much he was enjoying himself. Then I had flashbacks of our engagement where he was convinced we should get started on the whole kid having thing right away.

So I found the nearest closet to hide in to avoid the “baby” conversation.

Let’s face it. I’m kind of a terrible housewife. Yes, things are generally clean and he usually has clean underwear (usually), but I am just not a “Martha” type. I tried to make cookies from scratch today, and I was so distracted by a Richard Nixon special on the Military Channel that I burned them and they became this burned blob mess. They taste okay, but they’re so not pretty. Like the sign in my kitchen says, “I kiss better than I cook.” Hopefully that’s actually true.

So while I was in the closet, it occurred to me that I’m just not prepared for the whole motherhood thing. I’m still in negotiations with Superfriend over getting a housekeeper. How can I manage a baby?

By this time our neighbor girl was finished with her round of flash cards. I asked her what other subjects she liked. She said reading. Finally. I could totally relate. Then she told me she likes books about cats. AND she lost me. Somehow in the middle of all this she’s talked me into helping her with her reading. I agreed, but now I’m left wondering how does one help a fourth grader learn to read.

I’m a weirdo. I read Man O’ War in third grade. I read Angela’s Ashes in sixth. What is a normal fourth grade girl supposed to be reading? Any suggestions? I have a copy of Anne of Green Gables, but I for sure have no books about cats. Because the story of a cat is pretty short.

Cat is born in the barn. Cat likes the milk you sneak out there. Cat lets you pet it. Cat grows up. Cat wanders away or worse… And your mother explains that the cat went to live on another farm because he was allergic to the hay. They have less hay on their farm, apparently. I am suspicious, but but by then another litter is born and the cycle repeats itself.

So now I have to find a cat book that’s appropriate for a fourth grade girl. By tomorrow. Because I’m pretty sure fourth grade girls don’t want to read about Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, or the abdication of King Edward VIII.


No really. I need help, like in a therapist willing to meet in my linen closet kind of way.

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There’s A Train In My Way

If you know or love someone in the grain business, more specifically the elevator business, you might know a little bit about the dreaded shuttle train.

The best laid plans are always derailed by the shuttle train. For those of you who don’t know (and why would you?), its our two year wedding anniversary. We’re supposed to hang out, do the dinner thing, hug each other a lot. You know? The married people anniversary thing.

Guess who showed up? That’s right. The shuttle train!

*duh, duh, duh*

But really. Even though shuttle trains are the worst, I have learned something from them.

I can be mad that one showed up on my anniversary. I can curse Superfriend’s job. I can curse the BNSF. I can freak out and cry and do my usual melodrama thing. I can be cranky and grumpy, but the shuttle train don’t care.

And that’s life. And marriage. The train master doesn’t know that it’s my anniversary, and he’s not going to bring rail activity to a screeching halt just because I’m supposed to have a dinner date. Superfriend’s employer isn’t going to exempt him suddenly from his management duties just because his wife is pissed.

Above all, I am almost 97 percent positive that my sweet husband had nothing to do with this inconvenience. And his job lets him do what he loves. On top of that, his job lets me do what I love, because let’s be real, nonprofits are called nonprofits for a reason, and I like to eat and shower.

Anyway, this mess of a post has a point. Being married isn’t always perfect, but you learn that it’s not the little things that matter. Believe it or not, an anniversary dinner is a little thing. I can get my feathers ruffled, but what’s the use? I know my Superfriend loves me, I know neither of us can do a thing about that darned old shuttle train.

Life happens, and it’s not the end of the world. Happy Anniversary, my love. Turns out I’m not so awful after all.

Now I can focus on the real tragedy of this evening. My eyelashes look awesome and they have no where to go…

The Internet Is A Weird Place

I know I never have time to post anything, but I do occasionally have time to troll the Internet for weird stuff. I do a lot of research for my job, which actually leads to even weirder stuff.

There really is nothing you can’t find. Which brings me to the weird things I learned today:

1) People take a lot of pictures of their own faces and then post them everywhere. I realize this is not a new phenomenon, but I totally don’t get it. Did they have 20 second plastic surgery and want to show how it went? Why do people just take pictures of themselves for no reason? This absolutely perplexes me.

I think that every time I see someone post a useless selfie, I’m going to post a picture of my dog doing something weird.

2) I can make beautiful spreadsheets thanks to YouTube. Also not a new phenomenon, but dude. You should see this spreadsheet I made today. It’s magnificent. It will be in a spreadsheet hall of fame.

3) Pinterest leads me to wacky DYI projects. For example, I have been wearing red nail polish on my feetsies most of the summer and I have the classic “staining” on my nails. Naturally, I turn to the Internet, more specifically Pinterest, to solve all of life’s problems. Several pins recommended scrubbing my nails with toothpaste. Why this is so weird to me, I have no idea, but it just seems to me that toothpaste is for teeth not feet. Regardless, I gave it a try. Much to my surprise, it actually removed most of the staining.

Also, Superfriend is out of toothpaste.

4) I think my dog is a tanning addict. Granted, this isn’t a weird thing I learned on the Internet, but I think she has a serious problem. Every time I turn around, this chica is sunning herself. I will be researching this on the Internet.

That is all. I’m off to check Ellie into a tanning rehab. The Internet told me to.

I’m Doing My Damndest

So yeah. I just looked up and its May. Like, the middle of May. In 2013. I’m not sure how we got here so fast, but just thought you should know that I haven’t forgotten about this little blog I put together. More and more it’s been bugging me that I simply haven’t taken the time to write ANYTHING down. I seriously can barely manage a grocery list at this point. It’s kind of causing me stress.

So, anyway, I have realized that on May 24, I will have been at my new job for a year. To say I’ve kind of immersed myself in the mission of my nonprofit is likely the understatement of said year. I don’t know how to explain what I do to people. My title is Program Coordinator, but I happen to be the only employee of my organization. So, coordinating programs doesn’t really begin to cover it. I kind of work all the time, and when I’m not working, I’m thinking about working, and when I stop thinking about working I will know that I’m most likely dead or the zombies have gotten my brain.

When I got into the world of managing a nonprofit, I really had no clue how consuming this kind of work can really be. When you believe in your mission and have a vision for your organizations future, EVERYTHING, and I mean everything seems to circle back around to work. Now, don’t get me wrong. There are definitely benefits to truly caring about the work I do, but it does send my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder into complete overdrive, which is kind of humorously ironic, because I work for a mental health education nonprofit.

My point is that I am in the constant states of needing to apologize for my putting work before family and friends, needing to cheer for the little victories that come from all that hard work, and trying to remember if I washed my hair or how many times I’ve worn the same outfit this week.

So, we can start with apologies. I should probably start with my mom and mother-in-law. I more than miserably failed at even remembering it was Mother’s Day. Someone should probably let me know if that means I need to ignore my step dad and father-in-law on Father’s Day. I just want to be fair here. I’m sorry guys. My forgetfulness doesn’t make you ladies any less awesome. It just makes me a flaky daughter/daughter-in-law who promises to try really hard to do better next year.

Superfriend, sorry I forget to wash your socks and cook dinner. Or shop for things to cook for dinner. You really are one handy dude, and if it weren’t for you, we’d have probably starved to death by now.

Also, sorry to everyone I forgot to text, call or email back. It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s just because I cannot remember my own name. Seriously. All I seem to be able to remember is my nonprofit mission, and mental health statistics. For example, did you know that for every $1 spent on mental health services in the state of Texas, you get $23 in return income?

Okay. I’m done now. But on a serious note, I miss you guys. It’s my goal to at least get back on Twitter a little. Like three times a week. Probably not Facebook, because that website is shady business full of posts about things I’m convinced drop my IQ level. Also, I hate the feeling of being stalked prey.

Second, now let’s cheer for the fact that I might actually be able to afford a second employee after Christmas. This means I can actually hire someone trustworthy who can handle some of the programs and services we offer and I will be free to actually find my desk again. Crossing my fingers and toes.

Third, I washed my hair yesterday… I’m pretty sure. So I’m relatively clean. In my defense, I have ear infections in both ears, so it hurts to dry my hair. I’ll find some antibiotics and get my crap together at some point.

Fourth, I think maybe I should start taking pictures of myself to confirm outfit choices. I’m perfectly serious when I say that I have actually worn the same dress twice in a week, and it wasn’t on purpose. Thanks to the secretary at the doctors office next door for kindly pointing that out, even if it wasn’t so kindly. I’m not making fun of her and her stupid scrubs she wears. Maybe they’re not the same every day, but maybe they are…

Finally, does anyone want to share how they balance working so much and not ignoring everyone and everything else around them? I really am trying to scale back, but any advice would be welcome.